Once upon a time…

Once upon a time, there was a person who had to be an adult on the outside, even when she felt like a little kid on the inside. That person grew up and, even though she still had to be an adult on the outside for most of the time, she still got to feel like a little kid every now and again. More importantly, the little kid learned that it was ok to decide that some people could go screw themselves with a rusty chainsaw.

And she lived happily ever after.

~ * ~

I once created a character called Silvereye, who was supposed to reflect certain aspects of my own personality – that was the purpose of her creation. As it was, she did this very well but at the time the traits I thought I possessed weren’t all that great; she was physically weak, prone to violent outbursts and heavily dependent on the trust of her companions just to believe that she was a person worthy of an existence of some description.

Then some unpleasant things (mostly people) happened and she kind of faded into a non-existence for a while. In fact they all did – every character I’d birthed, every story I started, every poem I’d penned, every world that I had ever imagined… all of them were wrapped up in a hazy fog of lethargic indifference and left to gather dust.

Of course this didn’t last forever, few things ever do. The first creations to come back were those that had turned anger in an art form: Marina’s alcoholic, drug-addicted daughter and Ariadne’s fiery bloodbath of a war against everything and everyone that had ever wronged her (and there was a lot of that – I wan’t nice to this character). Then others began to make a re-appearance; characters that had always had the potential for those virtures I admired – strength, intelligence, compassion, agility. Miranda won the heart of her one true love after showing his current fling to be an uncaring, cheating bitch. Yuki schemed and plotted and manipulated her way to redemption. An outcast air elemental became bodyguard to the royal family and turned out to be somewhat fantastic at her job. Even Ariadne stopped setting fire to things (mostly people) and started enjoying the time she spent with her pacificst sister.

Until one day I turned back to poor neglected Silvereye. I realised that she no longer had any friends (that weren’t back-stabbing bastards) so I made her some new ones. I realised that she was intelligent and dedicated enough to not turn into world-destroying dragon everytime she was faced with a difficult challenge. I realised that she was strong enough and loved enough not to fall apart everytime someone lost faith in her.

That last trait is proving hell to write out. It doesn’t happen anymore (or at least, I ignore it when it does) but I still remember what it was like. I’m still angry and I’m still hurt and I still hover over the fine line between forgiveness and remembering. Of course it doesn’t help that some people are moronic enough to remind me why this line exists in the first place.

I tell myself that I don’t hate and that I don’t care and that I’m not interested and although it’s not the truth, it’s not exactly an outright lie.

Writing is still a struggle sometimes but while not as proliferative as previously, I feel that most of what I write is now of a somewhat better quality (certainly I’m less inclined to go and open up an artery over it… N.B. just don’t ask whose) which means that little by little, Silvereye gets better too.

One day she’ll fly away, and whether she leaves behind a demolished, burning citadel or some place she will never really be able to remember, no longer seems to matter as much it once upon a time did.

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The deliciousness of scheming and tridecalogisms

Sitting down and planning an operation (one that will actually take place so not my chemical dissolution of my old comprehensive) is actually a lot of fun. In this case it’s planning my mum’s 50th and involved myself, Jennifer and Louise deciding presents, plotting ruses for going to town to buy said presents and scheduling our next rendevous when we hope to have picked a suitable restaurant. I think words such as ‘rendezvous’ are just as much fun to use.
 
Another summer draws to a close. This time I’ve actually made it into 4th year though sky alone knows how given my fairly absent mental state for the March AMK (and that was the one I passed). I’ve got an 8 – 2 EMI residential shift on Sunday which will probably be the last for the summer (it’s money although ground floor residential can actually be pleasant to work).
 
*sees her sister running towards her*
 
~ 1 minute later ~
 
And I have a 2 – 9 shift on ground floor residential tomorrow *decides karma was feeling evil* Still that’s not much so I might actually get around to:
 
1. finishing my scrapbook (check out Jasmin Becket-Griffiths work if you’re into fantasy art, she’s the one that did the ‘Wicked, Tricksy and False’ fairy trio that I love)
 
2. finish Samy’s letter (at this rate I should give up and start on a birthday card, then it might get to her on time)
 
3. Check my friends are still alive and find out what part of the world they’re actually in (electives).
 
Recently addicted to:
 
Scott Westerfield – new author I discovered last autumn. I’ve now finished the Tally Youngblood series, the Parasite Positive duo and the Midnighters trilogy, all fantastically rivetting although I do find myself adopting certain quirks (such as the phrases ‘icy’ and ‘brain-missing’ and a slight obsession with thirteen letter words)
 
Retribution Falls – Chris Wooding. I’m having to wait sky knows how long for the sequel to Malice but thankfully have several of his works yet to read in the meantime ^ ^
 
Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex – sci-fi anime bought on a whim. I’m currently on numero 5
 
Batman: The Dark Knight – I didn’t go and see this in the cinema, I never watched it when my sisters did and I really had it pegged as the kind of violent film I was not going to enjoy. Louise and Jennifer made me watch it while we were in Kent and it is brilliant. Just hopes it works on my laptop > <
 
And I’ve started doing ‘songfic’ writing challenges which are fun, relaxing and finally forcing me to successfully write shorter snippets (successfully because they make sense and I’m not feeling pained to expand them).
 
And I got a new corset ^ ^ In of all places Brecon.
 
Fingers crossed I get decent SSUs. Fourth year is meant to be hell enough without having to contend with terminally dull essays on top.
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
Random one word trigger writings (shorter than songfics but also quirky fun):
 
Death

Death is painful and bright and loud but it is the most alive Amethyst has ever felt.

Thunder/lightening
Having a girlfriend who can fly up to the roof to attach a lightening rod is very useful; he just wishes she wouldn’t do it in the middle of the storm.
 
Hell

Atlanta never thought she might go to hell, until she saw the one she’d helped Chris create.

Birthday
Bryony wanted an axe for her ninth birthday and instead got a portrait of the emperor to hang in her bedroom; it now hangs at the end of the shooting range.
 
Breaking

When she tells Gary about the exoskeleton she’s designed because bones break so easily she leaves out the bit about past experience.

Sarcasm

Although bright, Kiki never really gets sarcasm, so although it is pretty much Ariana’s second language, she tries not to use it on or around her sister.

Wings

She thinks she misses her wings but then she remembers that she doesn’t really have any capacity for longing, so dismisses it as an idle thought and tries to ignore the pain in her chest when she watches Alkanite fly.

Flying
Cradling another broken arm Lex sourly reflects that flying is great and all, but crashing into stuff is a bitch.
 
Summer

Summer in the Vietnamese jungles was hell and summer in downtown Tokyo is even worse but her brother likes summer so when he lugs his camera out of the apartment she follows without complaint.

Wrong

Looking about the destroyed and bloody kitchen Atlanta wonders where it all went so wrong, then realises it was never right to start.
 
Mad

As she knocks back the last of the vodka she wonders if this is simply depression, an addiction or if she’s finally lost the plot completely, assuming she knew it to begin with.

Lex never realised that what stayed her otherwise inevitable descent into madness was her mistaken belief that she had already achieved it.

God

For all her creative genius Atlanta never felt like a god, until she saw Chris take her creations and use them to destroy the world.

Bug

Typically Elodie can divide bugs into two categories: harmful to plants and not harmful to plants. If a bug falls into the second category it’s got nothing to fear. If it falls into the first category it can expect a sudden and squishy end should Elodie chance upon it in the greenhouse. Wasps have and always will be the exception to this grouping, falling into a category all of their own: to be eliminated viciously and without mercy… by someone else.
 
Bird

“It’s just a sparrow. They’re not as noisy as starlings or as vicious as magpies or as vain as robins. They’re about as inoffensive as it is possible for a bird to be. How can you possibly hate it?”

“It has wings.”

“So does that blackbird.”

“I saw the sparrow first.”

 

Apology
Sometimes Felicity feels she should apologise to Bryony though she doesn’t have a clue where she’d begin. Then the cold pride in Bryony’s face tells her that no apology will ever be accepted while the warm gentleness of her eyes lets her know it’s because no apology is needed.
 
Cleaning
Ari eventually decided that her sister had to have multiple personality disorder; no one who got as muddy as Kiki after a rainy session in the garden would be so obsessive about tidying.
 
Trailers

Arian does not like horror movies so when her friends take her to the cinema they get one tub of popcorn and another empty tub to put over her head during the scary trailers.
 
Road

“Just remember to keep it on the road.”

“OK”

“That means no flying.”

“But skies have roads too.”

“I’m not even going to ask.”

“Does that mean…”

“No.”

 

No prizes for guessing what bug I don’t like > <

 

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Keep passing the open windows

This is a line from what was a surprisingly good film called ‘The Hotel New Hampshire’. It was a little twisted but I did like it. One more brownie point to Simon.
 
If someone tell’s you something in confidence then you shouldn’t tell someone else.
 
HOWEVER
 
If that something is then too much for you or is particularly worrying to you then why should you be expected to keep confidence? Why sacrifice your own health to protect someone else’s peace of mind? If you break the trust there’s a chance it will help them and you’ll stay in a position where you can help them. If you don’t sky knows how it may eat you up inside.
 
And I should have been told in the first place.
 
When you cannot do anything right, it doesn’t take much to make you the person that does everything wrong.
 
~
 

“I hate you! I hate you! You bastard I hate you!” Another vase smashed into the wall. The girl didn’t even duck the shower of porcelain shards, instead choosing to let them scrape against her unfeeling skin. Dark eyes blazing with fury scoured the room for more objects, her hands already curved as though she had claws. She found a glass bowl. Snatching it from the stand she hurled it with vicious strength at a badly torn picture on the wall.

“I hate you I hate you I HATE YOU!”

Suddenly it was gone. The consuming anger slipped away and with it all her own strength. Exhausted she slumped to the floor, too tired to stand, too uncaring to try. Weariness leached into her bones as she lay there regarding the dusty floorboards. Salty tears seeped from under dark lashes to smear their way down her cheeks. It was too much effort to stop them, too much effort to do anything – even breathe.

What if I stopped? she thought. What if I just let myself drift softly into the blackness? Aching in ways far beyond a healer’s touch, she let her foggy mind wander, her dull eyes gazing at something beyond sight and knowing. One last breath sifted through the dust as her heavy eyes finally closed.

It’s not like he’ll miss me anyway.

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Nipple tassels and human Catherine Wheels

Just browsing the Ann Summers catalogue – completely despairing of a birthday present for Mim but I think she’d appreciate something fun and sexy. Incidentally I’m surprised by the language they use. I don’t have anything against it – I’m just hoping I don’t get cut off from the network for it!
 
Anyway I’m looking at diamante nipple tassels when I find this:
 
"Setting the tassels alight to create a human Catherine Wheel effect is most strenuosly cautioned against."
 
Come on! That’s just asking for trouble!
 
Now that I think about it, Malso did give me back my matches earlier today…
 
 
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One part of many

She had thought the beatings would stop. No. She had prayed the beatings would stop. Helz worked in the infirmary every other day – there was no way that she could keep hiding the broken bones and gaping wounds from him forever, and if he found out then the others would too.

Marrick’s fist to her temple snapped her out of those thoughts as she stumbled into the wall. Her hands clawed (and oh no but they were claws! She was losing control again!) at the stones as she tried to right herself, only to slide down into muddy puddles. Someone’s boot kicked hard into her ribs, another’s stamped down harder onto her outstretched hand. She screamed in pain and again as sharp fingernails raked across her scalp and hauled her head back by its thick plait. Blinking back tears, the young dragonet looked up into Lisle’s spitefully cold reptilian eyes.

“How the hells you ever thought something like you could ever be welcome here I’ll never know,” and she shoved the girl’s head into the wall.

“Get away from her.” Groggy and disorientated as she was, there was no way Silvereye would ever mistake that voice. She hung her head in shame. She could not bear to look at him.

“Get lost fox before we do you too. You don’t need to associate with scum like this.” Marrick kicked her again as she struggled to her feet.

“Touch her again and you’ll be needing your friends to help you jack off!” She couldn’t remember hearing him angry. Emotion was as alien to him as it was to her. Again she tried to stand. Again she was kicked into submission. The salamander laughed.

“Oh dear! I touched her! What are you-urgh!” His body slammed into the wall making Silvereye jump. Lisle tried to drag her up and use her as a shield but the shadowy creature was already behind the Komodo, wrenching her arm behind her back, twisting it until everyone heard it snap. Lisle screeched in agony, pale iridescent tears streaming down her tortured face.

“Please! Oh gods please stop! It hurts!”

“And what you did to Ari didn’t? You should have thought this out a little better.” Another sharp twist and another loud crack followed. Lisle vomited, gasping and choking on the slimy fluid as her world swung through shades of grey. Suddenly she was on the ground, her shattered arm crumpled uselessly under her. Barely able to move, her cloudy eyes could just make out the fur’s paws standing by her head.

“Your friends ran for it so I’d hope that Marrick is feeling generous enough to carry you to the hospital… when he comes round that is.” The fox leant down to stare mercilessly into her eyes.

“Don’t ever touch her again. I will find out and I will find you.” Then he was gone, his unconscious friend cradled in his arms.

 

 

 

                                                    

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Big girls don’t cry.

Let your anger flow.
Scream it all away.
Cry it out, walk it out.
Spin it all away.
And then watch all of your promises and resolutions fall apart and slip through your fingers, knowing that if you changed you’d never forgive yourself, knowing that life can always be that little bit worse.
Break and mend and break again.
Eventually the pieces will be too small to find and old lumps of dried glue will stop them fitting together.
Big girls don’t cry, they just die inside.
Enjoy the silence.
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emo

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemo!!!
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Lenore (and some stupid sideline emotions)

"That’s the last 6 months I spend paying for the mistakes of others."
 
Ok that turned out to not quite be the case. The difference this time, is that my friend knows I’m not the one to blame and has something to work towards – they actually see me and realise they can trust me (most of the time at least ^ ^). Oh, that and the fact that they have proved time and again that they are worth it.
 
I wonder how easy it really is to understand that. To understand that you are worth pain and fear and anger and heartache and all the other unpleasant breaking emotions we try so hard to hide and avoid.
 
Malso said he thought my life had some worth. Outside of my family, he and Samy have been the only people I cared to let realise that I sometimes thought otherwise, and I’ve come to trust, or rather believe, their judgement sooner than that of my parents. I don’t think that’s right but then again it’s a step in the right direction that I do believe them.
 
Simon has recently lent me some brilliant music (one of my favourites being an album by ‘Speaking of Silence’) and even better he has introduced me to Lenore who I do not resemble in any way whatsoever *watches a small part of reality collapse in on itself in despair*
 
                   
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I dunno

I can look at myself in the mirror and not hate my hair, or my face, or my body, or the fact that I rarely feel pretty and feminine when compared to any other girl. I can look at myself in the mirror and not be bothered that what is staring back at me is all that will ever stare back at me. And I know I can do this because I have done it every day for the last week.
 
And it still isn’t enough. It is not enough and it is never going to be enough.
 
I am really scared about this year, mostly about the AMK. Probably the only reason that I’m not scared out of my mind is that for once it’s actually a safe place – the little girl that usually wants to smash every mirror in sight is quite content to sit back and play with glitter for now.
 
I feel a part of this year but I know this is only because of Simon and Malso. I’m getting the sense of being back to standing outside of life and watching other people, kinda like a movie you’ve seen before so you already know how people are going to behave and why they do what they do.
 
Samy has a baby – Isobel Amber Munday. I’m so happy for her.
 
My sister got 9A* and 1A in her GCSEs (but she rocks on a regular basis so no difference there).
 
Malso has a boyfriend who seems pretty nice (based on speaking to him myself and Simon meeting him so for now I’m fairly confident about this) so I am really happy about that.
 
And I’m in Truro which I am really really happy about. Honestly.
 
But sometimes it feels a little as though I’m happy only because I’m not in Plymouth or Exeter.
 
Ok this is getting really emo-ish and it’s getting late. Shut up girl and get out (and stay out) of your head.
 
And sleep. Definitely sleep.
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